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I feel lost, a lot. But, there're some people who always remind me to come back and find the right way. I'm not really sure, what they feel about me, every time I asked for their help. Maybe that's the reason, why I've never been brave, to call someone 'best friend' or even a 'friend'. I was and am too afraid to use that call, doubting that they'll never feel the same about me.

People out there see me as an extroverted and talkative person, who has a lot of friends. That's true, I have friends, yet the truth is I never really tell them about everything. I know I'm wrong, but I don't want to make them busy with me or fill their head with my problems, because I know that everyone has their own problems.

I trust my friends, but I don't know, I just feel just weird to tell them everything that happened in my life. I do have some people that I used to tell everything. But, the situation changed, we walk on a different path and it just disappeared.

A couple days ago, I told one of them what I felt about our friendship. He wants to get married this year. I'm happy for him, yet the decision he chose, made me sad. I knew, that our friendship will never be the same again. He's not married yet, but I already missed him. The others, he kept pushing me away and he purposely pulled away from me. He's one of my safest places, but there were some events that changed what we had. I know that you two won't read this, but you two brought new perspectives to my life. I'm really glad, the universe lets us meet.

I just watched All The Bright Places on Netflix. I feel like I was Theodore Finch, who feels lost in the dark mood sometimes and we can't control it. The difference is, he had friends who always be there, providing themselves, so Finch would know that he's not alone and not all people left him. Do I have someone like him?

I do have a boyfriend who accepts me unconditionally, but I keep pushing him away. I keep making the same mistakes and making the condition between us worse. Like me, he never told his friends about what is actually going on. We were alone. We never know which way to run if we get lost.

27 years I lived, I never really think about love. I never think about my exes every time I ended a relationship. But, this relationship is on a whole new level. Maybe it's just me (or us) getting more mature, or is it just my karma, to finish what has been written. I never felt this down in my life before. I don't know is it because of the relationship, you, or myself.

I don't know if you'll read this or not, but it just feels that we're not meant for each other. I keep fighting, like you always do and tell. It has never been easy and getting harder. I should've felt that it'd be easier if we walk throgh this together, but why am I feel lost and empty?

I'm standing at a crossroads. I don't know and not sure which way I should take. I know I love you for sure, but there're lot of but...

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